HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAITHWOOD!!!
Jan. 23rd, 2011 09:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dysonrulesI have loads of stuff to do. LOADS, I SAY. Therefore, I shall procrastinate by writing WTF? fic and posting a pointless poll.
Firstly, a ficlet for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
faithwood so she'll have even more gifts that make her wish it wasn't her birthday. XD
Harry tore the colourful paper away to reveal a fine-grained wooden box. He grinned at Ron, who looked surprisingly sheepish. Harry flicked open the metal latch and then stared at the contents in wonder.
On the left side of the velvet lined box was a leather-covered flask trimmed in silver. Harry would have suspected it of holding alcohol except for the row of six tiny vials that rested in their own places next to the flask. He plucked one out and held it up to the light. A single dark hair was curled in the vial.
"A Polyjuice kit," Harry said in a wondering tone.
"Yeah, you're always complaining about how you can never go out without everyone staring. I thought this might make it easier for you to blend in. Whenever you need."
Harry beamed at his best friend. "It's great! Thanks. Where did you get the potion?"
"George. Couldn't let Hermione know;she wouldn't approve. You know how she is."
Harry nodded and looked at the vial. A tag was attached to the cork and he twisted it round to read the writing. "Yeah, working for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement has made her a bit mental about following rules."
"And Polyjuice isn't even illegal, just unethical." Ron delivered the last word in a falsetto tone.
"Might be unethical, but I don't plan to use it for anything other than going to Diagon Alley without getting mobbed. You know it took me two hours just to buy a set of robes last time I went shopping?"
Ron nodded. "Yeah, that's what gave me the idea."
The tag read: Male, 27, ~13 stone, 5'7", avg, dark hair, dark eyes
Harry replaced the vial and chose another. Male, 40ish, ~14 stone, 6', charismatic, blue eyes, blond, short beard
"This is brilliant, Ron. Really brilliant. How did you get the hair?" Wizards protected their hair with borderline obsession due to the wide variety of spells that could be used against them, many of them with more deadly effects than simple identity theft. Harry's brushes and combs were all charmed to Vanish loose hairs.
One vial contained several honey coloured hairs. Male, 23, ~13 stone, 5'11", brunet, hazel eyes, fit
Ron coughed. "Rather not talk about that."
To Harry's surprise, Ron's face was beet red. Harry stared at him. "You know I'm just going to imagine the worst now," he said with a chuckle.
"I might have gone to some of those Muggle clubs. You know, where blokes hang out with other blokes? Thought it would be quickest."
"You went to gay Muggle clubs?"
Ron looked around with a panicked expression, as though reporters or other lurkers could overhear Harry in his own flat. "It wasn't… I didn't…"
Harry waggled the vial, unable to resist teasing Ron, who knew of Harry's preferences, but generally tried to pretend he didn't. "How far did you go?"
Ron swallowed, looking a bit like he was about to start vomiting slugs again. "Well, mostly I let them grope at me a bit. It seemed the only way to get my hands on their hair without seeming weird, you know?"
"You let yourself be groped?"
Ron shrugged, but his blush deepened.
"And?" Harry prodded, suddenly unbearably curious.
"Well, there was one bloke… that one there. The attractive one." Ron coughed and gestured to the vial still in Harry's hand. "He was um… really eager. I went out to the alley with him and he started kissing my neck like mad and… other things."
"Other things? What other things? He was kissing other things?"
Ron nodded, looking fixedly at the wall behind Harry and tugging at his collar as if the room had suddenly grown too warm. "Yeah, I tried to reach my wand, but it was wedged between me and the wall, since I was wearing those Muggle jean things and he was… well, he was really determined and…" Ron's voice trailed off. His face was so red his freckles had gone invisible.
"He gave you a blowjob?" Harry asked in a hushed tone.
Ron nodded, looking thoroughly mortified.
Harry was too shocked and amused to reply. The dam broke and Ron started to babble to fill in the silence. "Bloody hell, he was incredible, Harry, the things he did." Ron made a choking noise. "Well, you probably know, and now I see why maybe you like blokes because Hermione isn't bad, but—"
It was Harry's turn to make a mortified sound. "Oh god, don't tell me!" He clapped his hands over his ears. "I do not want to know about Hermione's skills, oh fuck, I am not thinking about this!"
"Now you know how I feel!" Ron burst out. "I wasn't planning to tell you about Kurt—"
"Kurt?" Harry echoed, removing his hands.
Ron glared at him. "Never mind. We will never speak of this again."
Harry could not suppress a laugh, exacerbated by the sense of complete unreality. He choked and gasped out, "Absolutely. Kurt will be our little secret."
Ron nodded.
Harry replaced the vial and then shut the lid carefully. After a moment he composed himself and asked, "So, Kurt was good, then?"
"Harry!"
Laughter erupted again—Harry couldn't contain it any longer. "I'm sorry. I am just… Well, I'm very impressed that you allowed yourself to be sucked off by a bloke for me. Thank you, Ron. You are an amazing friend."
Ron stared at him, obviously unsure whether or not Harry was joking, but he simply nodded and got to his feet. "You're welcome. Funny thing, when he was done he tucked a scrap of paper into my pocket. Had some number on it. They all have them, don't they? Muggles have numbers."
Harry nodded, still smiling. "Yeah, Muggles have lots of numbers."
"Well, happy birthday, anyway. Hope the kit comes in useful." Ron walked to the fireplace and took up a handful of Floo powder. He looked back at Harry and shook his head. "Want to know the funniest bit?"
Harry nodded, trying not to laugh again.
"I kept his number." Ron grinned, winked at Harry and Flooed away.
I tried to make a poll for the second time ever and POLLS ARE MADE OF FAIL. WHY CAN I NOT GET THEM TO WORK???? LJ YOU MAKE ME FEEL STOOOOOOPID AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT SOMETIMES.
/rage
Anyway, enjoy the WTF? fic. Probably better without the poll anyway. XD *waves* Also, thank you,fireflavored , for the beta and for putting up with my stupid. *facedesk*
Firstly, a ficlet for
faithwood so she'll have even more gifts that make her wish it wasn't her birthday. XDHarry tore the colourful paper away to reveal a fine-grained wooden box. He grinned at Ron, who looked surprisingly sheepish. Harry flicked open the metal latch and then stared at the contents in wonder.
On the left side of the velvet lined box was a leather-covered flask trimmed in silver. Harry would have suspected it of holding alcohol except for the row of six tiny vials that rested in their own places next to the flask. He plucked one out and held it up to the light. A single dark hair was curled in the vial.
"A Polyjuice kit," Harry said in a wondering tone.
"Yeah, you're always complaining about how you can never go out without everyone staring. I thought this might make it easier for you to blend in. Whenever you need."
Harry beamed at his best friend. "It's great! Thanks. Where did you get the potion?"
"George. Couldn't let Hermione know;she wouldn't approve. You know how she is."
Harry nodded and looked at the vial. A tag was attached to the cork and he twisted it round to read the writing. "Yeah, working for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement has made her a bit mental about following rules."
"And Polyjuice isn't even illegal, just unethical." Ron delivered the last word in a falsetto tone.
"Might be unethical, but I don't plan to use it for anything other than going to Diagon Alley without getting mobbed. You know it took me two hours just to buy a set of robes last time I went shopping?"
Ron nodded. "Yeah, that's what gave me the idea."
The tag read: Male, 27, ~13 stone, 5'7", avg, dark hair, dark eyes
Harry replaced the vial and chose another. Male, 40ish, ~14 stone, 6', charismatic, blue eyes, blond, short beard
"This is brilliant, Ron. Really brilliant. How did you get the hair?" Wizards protected their hair with borderline obsession due to the wide variety of spells that could be used against them, many of them with more deadly effects than simple identity theft. Harry's brushes and combs were all charmed to Vanish loose hairs.
One vial contained several honey coloured hairs. Male, 23, ~13 stone, 5'11", brunet, hazel eyes, fit
Ron coughed. "Rather not talk about that."
To Harry's surprise, Ron's face was beet red. Harry stared at him. "You know I'm just going to imagine the worst now," he said with a chuckle.
"I might have gone to some of those Muggle clubs. You know, where blokes hang out with other blokes? Thought it would be quickest."
"You went to gay Muggle clubs?"
Ron looked around with a panicked expression, as though reporters or other lurkers could overhear Harry in his own flat. "It wasn't… I didn't…"
Harry waggled the vial, unable to resist teasing Ron, who knew of Harry's preferences, but generally tried to pretend he didn't. "How far did you go?"
Ron swallowed, looking a bit like he was about to start vomiting slugs again. "Well, mostly I let them grope at me a bit. It seemed the only way to get my hands on their hair without seeming weird, you know?"
"You let yourself be groped?"
Ron shrugged, but his blush deepened.
"And?" Harry prodded, suddenly unbearably curious.
"Well, there was one bloke… that one there. The attractive one." Ron coughed and gestured to the vial still in Harry's hand. "He was um… really eager. I went out to the alley with him and he started kissing my neck like mad and… other things."
"Other things? What other things? He was kissing other things?"
Ron nodded, looking fixedly at the wall behind Harry and tugging at his collar as if the room had suddenly grown too warm. "Yeah, I tried to reach my wand, but it was wedged between me and the wall, since I was wearing those Muggle jean things and he was… well, he was really determined and…" Ron's voice trailed off. His face was so red his freckles had gone invisible.
"He gave you a blowjob?" Harry asked in a hushed tone.
Ron nodded, looking thoroughly mortified.
Harry was too shocked and amused to reply. The dam broke and Ron started to babble to fill in the silence. "Bloody hell, he was incredible, Harry, the things he did." Ron made a choking noise. "Well, you probably know, and now I see why maybe you like blokes because Hermione isn't bad, but—"
It was Harry's turn to make a mortified sound. "Oh god, don't tell me!" He clapped his hands over his ears. "I do not want to know about Hermione's skills, oh fuck, I am not thinking about this!"
"Now you know how I feel!" Ron burst out. "I wasn't planning to tell you about Kurt—"
"Kurt?" Harry echoed, removing his hands.
Ron glared at him. "Never mind. We will never speak of this again."
Harry could not suppress a laugh, exacerbated by the sense of complete unreality. He choked and gasped out, "Absolutely. Kurt will be our little secret."
Ron nodded.
Harry replaced the vial and then shut the lid carefully. After a moment he composed himself and asked, "So, Kurt was good, then?"
"Harry!"
Laughter erupted again—Harry couldn't contain it any longer. "I'm sorry. I am just… Well, I'm very impressed that you allowed yourself to be sucked off by a bloke for me. Thank you, Ron. You are an amazing friend."
Ron stared at him, obviously unsure whether or not Harry was joking, but he simply nodded and got to his feet. "You're welcome. Funny thing, when he was done he tucked a scrap of paper into my pocket. Had some number on it. They all have them, don't they? Muggles have numbers."
Harry nodded, still smiling. "Yeah, Muggles have lots of numbers."
"Well, happy birthday, anyway. Hope the kit comes in useful." Ron walked to the fireplace and took up a handful of Floo powder. He looked back at Harry and shook his head. "Want to know the funniest bit?"
Harry nodded, trying not to laugh again.
"I kept his number." Ron grinned, winked at Harry and Flooed away.
I tried to make a poll for the second time ever and POLLS ARE MADE OF FAIL. WHY CAN I NOT GET THEM TO WORK???? LJ YOU MAKE ME FEEL STOOOOOOPID AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT SOMETIMES.
/rage
Anyway, enjoy the WTF? fic. Probably better without the poll anyway. XD *waves* Also, thank you,
fireflavored , for the beta and for putting up with my stupid. *facedesk*