Hissy Fit Chapter Two

[dysonrules]

On to the next chapter!!!  Thanks for the fabulous reviews, everyone!!!
Title:  Hissy Fit
Warnings: Hissing
Rating:  NC17
Summary:  Draco in a box.  For the moment.

The Beginning - Hissy Fit - Chapter 1

    Chapter Two

        It was far worse than Harry expected.  The pet store smelled of animals, Harry’s Polyjuiced form was portly and annoying, and even as a snake Malfoy never shut up.  Harry pretended to sweep floors and stock shelves while keeping a suspicious eye out for possible wizards or anyone entering with animals.  Malfoy kept up a permanent running hiss of complaints until Harry felt like stuffing him into a shipping crate and sending him to Siberia.

            It stinks in here, Potter.  And my sunlamp isn’t warm enough.  What sort of ridiculous light source is that?  Can you not cast a Heating Charm on this glass box?  And what the hell is up with these stupid pebbles?  Don’t you know I’m a rain forest snake?  I live amongst the trees and vines.  I do not live on gritty sand and rocks.  And where did you get those clothes?  It’s bad enough you chose a Muggle form that looks like it was dropped repeatedly on its face as a child, but did you also have to pick the worst clothes in all of London?  Plaid was invented by those too tasteless to be seen in simple, classic colors.  And who told them that red and olive belonged together?  Red and olive should never be seen together, Potter.  Never.  Do yourself a favor and drop that shirt into the piranha tank.

            Finally, Harry busied himself on the other side of the store, out of range of the petulant hissing.  During Harry’s Malfoy Avoidance Plan, he surreptitiously cast several spells to detect trace magical signatures.  There was nothing detectable, which meant the store probably was a likely target.  Harry only wished the assignment wasn’t quite so boring.  The smuggler could have been selling pets to stores all over London.  Just because this shop met the criteria for “likely” did not mean it would be targeted.  Even if it was, it could be days or even weeks.

            Harry finished mundane chores such as sweeping and shelf-stocking before finally getting bored enough to return to Malfoy.  The Animagus was curled up in a corner of the glass cage, asleep.  Cutest snake ever, Harry thought absently.  He was tempted to reach in and wake him by stroking a finger over the strange scales, but remembered at the last moment that Malfoy was venomous.  He would probably bite Harry in a fit of pique at being awakened.

            One reptilian eye opened and peered at him.  I’m getting hungry, Potter, and no, you will not throw some vile creature in here for me to eat, so leave off the biteworthy suggestions unless you have an Antivenin Spell at the ready.

            Harry made a mental note to learn such a spell as soon as possible.  He had a feeling he was going to need it.  Harry checked the time.  They had missed the usual lunch hour.  Only a few patrons had come into the shop to buy pet food, collars, and fish.  Fish seemed to be the best sellers.  Regardless, even fish-purchasers had been absent for quite some time.

            “I guess we could close up shop and get something to eat,” Harry said.

            It’s about time you came up with a good idea.

            “Are you going to change back?”

            Not here, Potter.  Wouldn’t that sort of negate the whole undercover idea?

            “I meant after we got outside and went somewhere suitable, of course.”

            Oh.  Then, yes.  I don’t think I want to partake of sushi in reptile form.

            “Sushi?  Who said anything about sushi?  I’m not eating sushi.”

            Stop being such a peasant, Potter.  Now get me out of this cage immediately.  I don’t like it in here.  But keep me warm!  You know I cannot generate my own body heat.

            “How do you propose I do that?” Harry demanded as he carefully lifted the green reptile from the case.  “You expect me to carry you around in a blanket?”

            Harry never knew snakes could sigh.  He supposed they probably didn’t in the wild.  But this Bush Viper managed it.  Just put me around your neck, Potter.  I promise not to bite you… now.

            With that comforting thought, Harry dropped the snake around his neck.  Malfoy immediately looped around Harry’s throat and he realized that although the snake had promised not to bite him, it had said nothing about strangling.  The scales relaxed somewhat and Malfoy’s head rested against his collarbone.  He felt the tongue flick out and tickle his skin.

            Move along, Potter.

            Harry sighed and locked the store before leaving through the back entrance.  The alley looked relatively safe for Malfoy’s transformation, but the Slytherin apparently preferred to take no chances.  He refused to do so until Harry had carried him for blocks, making suggestion after suggestion regarding lunch options until Harry wondered if a Silencing Charm would be worth the price of Malfoy’s vengeance.  Probably not.

            In the end, a nice secluded alcove was discovered and Harry carefully placed the obnoxious reptile on the ground.  It instantly turned into an obnoxious human.  Malfoy carefully dusted off his robes and then continued his previously hissed conversation as though uninterrupted.  “And although I could pass suitability for Elana’s, you would not be allowed past the threshold dressed as you are.  Ewww, Potter, in fact, I refuse to be seen with you at all in that lumpy state.”

            “Look, can we just grab some fish and chips or a sandwich and get back to the shop?”

            “What are fish and chips?”

            Harry stared at him and realized that fish and chips was a distinctly Muggle invention.  “Malfoy, you have not lived until you’ve tasted the wonder that is deep fried cod and piping hot chips.  Come on.”

            A street-side stand was quickly located and Harry ordered for them both.  He grabbed a plastic fork and knife, instinctively knowing the blond could not be expected to eat with his pureblood fingers.  They sat at a tiny outdoor table in moulded plastic chairs.  Malfoy looked at the food dubiously and sniffed when Harry picked up a scalding piece of fish and bit into it with a sigh of bliss, even though the hot oil burned his tongue.  He watched as Malfoy cut off a tiny square with the plastic utensils and raised it carefully to his lips.  The white teeth closed over the fork and withdrew.  He chewed experimentally and then shrugged.

            “Acceptable, Potter,” he said and Harry released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.  What did he care if the blond liked fish and chips or not?  Still, he knew the words were high praise from the snobbish devil and suppressed a grin.  “How much did it cost?”

            “Cost?”  Harry glanced at the receipt and handed it to Malfoy, who converted the Pounds to Sickles with a speed that shocked Harry.

            “Well, at least your next expense report won’t be rejected for overspending.  Not yet, at any rate,” Malfoy said and used the fork to place a chip in his mouth.

            “No, it will be rejected for some other cocked-up reason,” Harry muttered and Malfoy arched a brow at him.

            “Excuse me, Potter?”

            “Never mind,” Harry said and concentrated on finishing his meal.

            They ate in silence for a time and then Malfoy said, “I do believe the girl behind the counter is checking you out, Potter.  She must be into the short, squat, and ugly type.”

            Harry looked up in surprise and then glanced over at the counter where a young dark-haired girl had her hands propped beneath her chin while she stared at them with a dreamy expression.  Harry made a scoffing noise.  The girl was definitely mooning over Malfoy.  “Right,” he said and mopped up the last of his vinegar with a chip remnant.

            “You know, you are getting quite a reputation at the Ministry,” Malfoy continued and Harry glared at him, hoping to shut down the line of discussion before it led to wherever Malfoy intended.

            “How would you know?  You don’t work at the Ministry, as you are so fond of telling everyone.”

            “Well, I do spend a lot of time there,” Malfoy admitted and Harry snorted.

            “Yes, dissecting my expense vouchers.”

            Malfoy ignored that.  Harry watched as he slowly sliced another bit of fish with the plastic knife.  Bloody hell, the blond ate slowly.  His food had to be cold by now and yet Malfoy seemed to be barely half finished.  Harry took a drink of his bottled water and settled back in his chair for a wait.

            “Nevertheless, I have to wonder about you, Potter.”

            “I really wish you wouldn’t.”

            “Everyone wonders about you, Potter.  It’s part of your Golden Boy mystique.  The speculation, the gossip, the fantasies…”

            “What are you talking about?” Harry snapped, wishing Malfoy would just eat already and stop chattering.  He almost wished for their days of enmity.  Yes, Malfoy had been constantly plotting against him, but at least he had been quiet.

            “I’m talking about your inability to commit to a relationship, of course,” Malfoy said after taking a ludicrous amount of time to chew a single bite.  “Actually, your inability to commit to even a one-off, if rumour is correct.”

            “What is that supposed to mean?”

            Malfoy shrugged.  “It is well known that you have gone out with every unattached female in the Ministry.  It is just as well known that you have not slept with a single one.  Tell me, Potter, is there a problem with the plumbing?  Do you have performance issues?”

            Harry’s glare should have frozen the blond on the spot.  If nothing else, it should have shut him up.  “I do not have performance issues and there is nothing wrong with the plumbing,” he said through clenched teeth.  “And we are not having this discussion.”

            “Of course we are,” Malfoy said.  “Here we are, having batter-fried Atlantic cod and chatting about our love lives just like a couple of mates.”

            “We are not mates,” Harry gritted.

            “How long since you’ve had a shag, Potter?”

            “I am not discussing my love life with you, Malfoy.”

            “Ohhh, that long?” Malfoy said and leaned forward conspiratorially.  “What happened?  Did you try to get it up for the Weaselette and the experience scarred you so badly it turned you away from women permanently?”

            Harry stood up angrily.  “Are you finished?”

            Malfoy sighed.  “I suppose.  Since you insist on being rude and cutting our lunch hour short.  I was right about the women, though, was I not?”

            Harry turned and started down the street.  If he reached the Apparition point without Malfoy, he was leaving the blond behind and continuing the stupid mission alone.  Unfortunately, he heard footsteps following along behind him.

            “Don’t feel bad, Potter.  Lots of blokes like men.  It’s no big deal.  These are modern times, after all.”

            “I do not like men, Malfoy,” Harry said.

            “You do not like men or women?  What does that leave, Potter?  Tell me you are not into animals?  Merlin!  What were you doing in that shop while you avoided me for several hours?”  Malfoy put his hands dramatically over his ears.  “No!  Tell me not!  Some things are too heinous even for a Malfoy’s sensibilities!”

            Harry reached out and yanked one hand away from Malfoy’s ear.  “Knock it off!” he yelled.  “I like women, all right?  Women.  Not men, not animals, and not any other sort of creature.  Women.  Okay?  Can we drop the fucking subject now?”

            “Of course, Potter.  I had no idea your personal inadequacies were such a touchy topic.  I can help you, you know, if you can’t… get it up.  There are spells and things—“

            “Transform.  Now,” Harry said, hardly trusting himself to speak.

            “All right, Potter.  Hang onto your denial if you must.”

            The air shimmered slightly and the bright green snake curled near Harry’s shoe.  He bent to pick it up, holding the reptile behind the head.  He might have squeezed a bit harder than warranted.

            Bad form, Potter, choking a defenceless animal, the snake hissed.

            “Defenceless?  You’re fucking poisonous!”

            Yes, well, I can hardly bite you in this position, now can I?

            Harry planned to keep it that way.  He took a quick gulp of Polyjuice to maintain his dumpy form for another hour and then Apparated them back to the point near the store.  He kept a grip on Malfoy’s reptilian throat and the snake curled around his forearm.  Once in the shop, he tossed the viperous Slytherin into the tank and spent the rest of the afternoon out of hissing range.

            At the end of the day, Harry took Malfoy from his confinement, ignored him completely, and dropped him on the ground when they reached a secluded spot.

            “See you tomorrow,” he said curtly and Disapparated.

 

            He complained bitterly to Kingsley the next morning.

            “This is a waste of time,” Harry said.  “And Malfoy is useless.  All he does is bitch.  And ask prying questions.  And whine.  Frankly, he never shuts up.”

            “Deal with it.  He might come in handy,” Kingsley said flatly.  Harry’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

            “You’re trying to keep him out of the Ministry, aren’t you?  You insisted on this ridiculous assignment because you don’t want him here.  What’s going on?”

            Kingsley’s expression confirmed Harry’s assumptions.  The door slammed and locked.  “Look, I’m not hiding anything.  It’s just that the initial budget figures for the year are due this week and it’s bad enough dealing with the damned department heads without Gringott’s getting involved and demanding a detailed analysis of each projected expenditure.  I can’t keep them out, of course, and they have already sent Malfoy’s replacement.  However, this one is a piece of cake compared to Malfoy.  You know what the bastard is like.  He’ll spend hours on the smallest bit of minutiae just for the sheer enjoyment of annoying the hell out of us.  If you keep him busy, the budgeting process will go twice as fast and I can get on with running the damned Ministry rather than catering to a pompous demon with an over-inflated sense of duty.”

            “So this whole animal smuggling thing is bogus?” Harry asked, outraged.

            Kingsley sighed.  “No, Potter.  The threat is real.  Two Muggles have already been injured and the Obliviators are demanding action, since each incident requires memory modification not only of the victim, but also everyone the Muggle comes in contact with—friends, family, hospital staff…”

            “All right,” Harry said, partially mollified.  At least the case was valid, although it seemed no more serious than most of the other half-arsed cases Harry had been sent on in the past year.  He gnawed the inside of his cheek in annoyance.  There were still Death Eaters on the loose and Harry was looking for a pet smuggler and babysitting a financial irritant.  “Fine.  I’ll play nursemaid to the blond demon and keep him out of your hair.  But when this case is done, we are going to have a serious chat about my role within the Auror Department.  Count on it.”

            With that threat hanging in the air, Harry stalked down to the Atrium where he had agreed to meet Malfoy.  Oddly, the blond did not seem annoyed at being snubbed the previous day.  He sat in a cosy-looking chair and sipped at a paper cup.

            “This tea is substandard, Potter,” Malfoy said by way of greeting.  “For the amount of money the Ministry spends on tea each year, you would think they could hire someone capable of making a decent cup.  Do you have any idea—?”

            “No, Malfoy, I do not have any idea how much the Ministry spends on tea every year and I would appreciate you not enlightening me on the subject.  Can we just go?”

            The blond made no move to rise.  “You know, Potter, I’ve been thinking about this whole stakeout business.  Frankly, it seems foolish and wasteful.  At your ridiculous salary, you should not be wasted sweeping floors in a Muggle pet shop on the off chance a smuggler will happen by, not to mention the amount Kingsley has foolishly agreed to pay me, which I will definitely be bringing up at the next audit, I can assure—”

            “For once, Malfoy, you’re absolutely right.”

            The grey eyes shot to Harry’s in surprise and Harry grinned.  It was almost worth speaking those words to see the astonishment on Malfoy’s face.  He looked almost cute with his lips rounded in an O of surprise…  The expression faded almost instantly into suspicion.  Harry’s grin widened.

            “I’ve been thinking about this, too.  I think rather than catching the smuggler in the act, it might be easier to determine where he is acquiring the creatures and stop this at the source.  After all, even in the wizarding world, Clabberts are not easy to buy.”

            Malfoy cocked a brow, apparently unwilling to admit that Harry had managed to drum up a good idea.

            “I suggest we go to Hogwarts and have a talk with Hagrid.”

            The blond shot to his feet with an oath.  “Bloody hell, Potter, you could not have mentioned this plan of yours earlier?  Say before I climbed out of my silk sheets and dragged myself all the way down here?  Enjoy your visit with the oaf.  I am going back to bed.”

            Malfoy Vanished his cup and stalked toward one of the fireplaces.

            “It’s your choice,” Harry called casually.  “I’ll be sure to drop by Kingsley’s office and let him know you’re not to be paid for today.  In the interest of saving funds and all that, right?”

            Malfoy spun on a heel and marched back to Harry.  “On second thought, you need someone to keep you on task.  Knowing you, that idiot Hagrid will start reminiscing and you’ll get all teary-eyed and waste valuable resources wandering down memory lane rather than asking pertinent questions.  I should come along to make sure you are doing your job and not simply visiting with your friends on company time.”

            Harry shrugged.  “Suit yourself.”

            “I am, however, remaining in my Animagus form.  I have no wish to talk with anyone at Hogwarts.”

            “Suits me,” Harry said.  Either way, he would not escape the Slytherin’s biting comments, but at least as a snake his friends would be spared.  “You might want to change now, rather than risk being seen.  I’m Apparating straight to Hogsmeade.”

            After a brief argument, Harry accompanied Malfoy to the loo so that he could alter his shape in relative secrecy.  Harry admitted it was a good idea to keep Malfoy’s ability under wraps.  Harry wrapped the viper around his wrist and yelped when the snake wound its way up his arm.

            “What are you doing?” he cried, barely managing not to shake his arm wildly in an effort to dislodge the creature.

            Stop being twitchy, I came up here so you can hear me.  And you swing your arms too much when you walk.  It makes me dizzy.  The snake wrapped itself around Harry’s neck and parked its little venomous head close to Harry’s ear.

            “Did you ever think I might not want to hear you?” Harry asked grumpily.

            Tosh, Potter, of course you do.  Are you planning to leave any time soon, or shall we just hang about in the loo all day?  Granted, I would prefer that to meeting with your dreadful friends, but I’m sure the Ministry does not pay your exorbitant salary for you to shirk your duties.  Time is money, Potter.  Time is money.

            “Malfoy, do you plan to ever shut up?”

            The snake squeezed Harry’s neck lightly in response, but was blessedly quiet long enough for Harry to exit the room and Disapparate.

Hissy Fit - Chapter 3