Vampire crack?

[dysonrules]

People sometimes ask me where I get all my fic ideas.  Well, wonder no more!  They typically start like this:

Email from byaghro says:

JUST ONCE I'd like to see a vampire attack in... a freaking library or something. A bookstore. Whatever.

I mean I suppose people at a club are drunk & uninhibited & easy prey. I GET that. But I swear if I had a nickle for every fic where Harry or Draco got bitten by Random Vampire X in Random Club B. AUGH!

I mean, I can just hear the discussion:

"I want Harry to be bitten by a vampire."
"Okay, so he's at a club."
"No, he's not really the clubbing type in this one."
"But you said he gets bitten by a vampire."
"Yes."
"Well then he obviously went clubbing at least once. Otherwise, how would he have encountered the vampire?"
"Um... dark alley?"
"After leaving the club? Okay, that works."
"No. No clubbing. This is shy retiring Harry. He's leaving.. the library or something."
"Pfft. There aren't any vampires at the library. How is he going to meet the vampire if he doesn't go to a club? Wait, does his path home from the library take him PAST a club? I guess that could work."
"NO! NO CLUBS!"
"THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE A VAMPIRE FIC???"
"I don't know!? Maybe he's still in school. And he runs into one in the Forbidden Forest."
"Ooooh, a SPARKLY vampire fic. Why didn't you say so?"
"NO! ABSOLUTELY NO SPARKLY VAMPIRES!"
"Well, if he's in school, it is obviously a sparkly vampire fic."
"How do you figure?"
"If he meets the vampire while he's still in school, it must be an emo sparkly vampire. If he meets the vampire once he gets out of school, it must have been a lust driven clubbing vampire. Unless Harry is also emo and is going to clubs in secret, then he could meet a clubbing vampire while still in school."
"What the hell??"
"Those are your options. Fandom laws require it."
"Fuck it, I'll write a veela fic."
"Okay, so Harry has just come into his inheritance."
"AUGH!!!!!!!"

...
Um, I'm not sure what that was but I've purged it now so I feel better. BAHAHAHA!!!


Return email from dysonrules says:

Now I want to write Draco the Literate Vampire fic.  He surrounds himself with dusty books at his used bookstore and preys on the hapless librarian types.  LOL!!!

Harry goes in to buy some freaking old book for Hermione.

"Malfoy.  You look... different."
"Sparkly?"
"Um... no.  Just different."
"I have fangs, Potter, you complete dolt."
"Oh yeah, that must be it.  Who knew fangs could make you look hot."
"You think I'm hot?"
"Are you using some sort of weird vampire charm thingy on me?"
"Why would I do that, Potter?  I don't even like you."
"You don't have to like me to suck on my neck."
"You want me to suck on your neck?"
"No, of course not."
"All right, then.  Have a nice evening."
"Wait, what?  You're not going to suck on my neck?"
"Potter, I'm starting to think you're obsessed.  Go home."
"...Okay, then.  See you, Malfoy."  *Harry wanders off, dejected*

-the next night-
"Back for another book, Potter?  I didn't think you could read."
"I think you did use some sort of vampire charm on me.  It's your fault I'm here."
"Why do you think that, Potter?"
"I can't stop thinking about you."
"You've always had that problem.  Remember sixth year?"
"I was right about that!"
"Well, you're wrong now.  I'm not interested.  Go away."
"You're a really weird vampire, Malfoy."

-the next night-
"Why don't you want to suck on my neck?"
"I told you I don't like you."
"You're a bloody vampire!  It shouldn't matter!"
"You're saying I shouldn't have standards because I'm a vampire?  That's very offensive, Potter."
"Oh.  You're right.  I'll just go."

-the next night-
"You're going to keep coming back here until I drink your blood, aren't you, Potter?"
"No!  I'm just... looking for a book."
"That makes sense, considering you haven't actually bought one, yet.  Are you going to look at the books this time?"
"YES.  I'm looking at them now, see?"  *pouty glare*
"Hmmm, that's a change."
"I'll take this one."
"Maybe you should take this one, instead."
"Vampire Attraction - Should I Be Afraid?"
"It might help your misconceptions."

-the next night-
"Okay, so vampires don't have any special charm powers.  They just look pretty.  I get it."
"I've always been pretty, Potter."
"Well, yeah.  I know."
"You do?"
"Of course.  It's only obvious.  All that silver blond hair and smokey grey eyes and those perfect lips and flawless skin and that incredible arse..."
"You're saying you noticed all that before I became a vampire?"
"Um... maybe."
"Is that why you were always stalking me?  You wanted to grope my arse?"
"NO!"  *pause*  "Maybe."
"If I let you grope my arse, will you leave?"
"...yes?"
"Very well, come here."

-forty seven minutes later-
"I'm considering sucking on your neck, Potter."
*moans*  "Why not?  We've done everything else."
*bites*

And yes, this is how we keep ourselves from going insane during work hours.  *grin*